The water drops crawl tiredly down the shop windows.
The rain is letting up to
a sedate drizzle, and Spike wonders once again
why they didn't just take the
fucking car. Angel likes to do everything at
a slower pace, but this is just
ridiculous.
At least it means walking
the L.A. streets and brushing against humans,
catching old, familiar flavors
dearly missed. There's very little that's
new and exciting these days.
Angel fights demons because it means escaping
the overreaching shadows of
the hotel. Spike follows Angel around because
putting up with his Sire sounds
better than being the Big Bad on his own.
2 a.m. on a weeknight.
On Hollywood Boulevard the hookers look bored and the pimps nervous.
A lanky brunette wraps herself
around Spike's back and murmurs some
anatomically extravagant suggestion
in his ear. He can sniff blood between
her legs, and the tip of his
tongue darts out to moisten his lips.
You'd think that after decades
of embarrassing the female population to
death with stupid adverts on
the telly about ultra-absorbing pads
presented by absurdly manic women,
they'd finally come up with tampons
that don't leak.
Not that he minds. The hooker
doesn't look like she minds either. She
probably has clients lined up
who wait like clockwork for that special
time of the month. Star-lovers
stalking the new moon to watch the sky in
goddamn peace. Right now though,
she just smells like a satin-clad vamp
magnet.
Her fingers wind through his
hair - still bleached, a change might be in
order. After all, he dumped the
leather coat ten years ago. Her tongue
begs entry and he grants it,
wedging his thigh between her legs. She
grinds down on him. The aroma
of blood gets stronger. Maybe she'll drip on
his jeans. No time to hunt, but
he wouldn't mind some kind of trophy to
show off at Caritas.
Appetizer.
His fangs lengthen just enough
to slice her tongue. She tries to pull
away, startled by the pain, but
his arm is firmly locked around her waist
and his mouth muffles her screams.
Sweet elixir. Tinged with the new popular version of angel dust.
He barely takes a sip, but
holds her tight as she involuntarily rubs
against him, and dips two fingers
between her thighs.
She howls. Her nails grip
the back of his neck painfully, breaking the
skin.
The passerbys keep on passing.
He grabs her hair and roughly
bends her head back, leaning his face close
to hers. The tinge of gold in
the blue irises shuts her up. She whimpers
around the blood escaping her
lips.
"Sorry about that, luv," he
purrs and smiles his killer smile. One slow
rasp of his tongue across her
mouth to clean her up.
He removes his invading fingers and licks them slowly with a feline grin.
"Tasty."
He is gone and at his Sire's
side two hundred yards ahead before she has
time to draw breath.
Angel hasn't slowed down.
Even though he too smelled the hooker and must
have known what the blonde was
up to. Even though his Childe reeks of her
blood now. She's not dead or
dying, and that's about what it would take
for Angel to interfere.
Warped work ethics.
Angel has kept up the patrolling and prancing about in cashmere coats.
(It's that whole Blotched
Cow Syndrome scare of 2005. Came from bloody
England - big shock there -
and finally finished off the cattle. No decent
leather to be found anywhere.
Angel's still in mourning.)
Nights are spent maiming demons and sometimes assorted low-lives of the
very human variety.
They just don't make Dark Avengers the way they used to.
Spike scavenges his pockets
for his trusty pack of Marlboro. Some things
don't change. His smokes still
come in red packaging and dear Dr Martens
has yet to go under. 'Course
it's illegal to smoke on the streets of L.A.,
but it's not like Spike would
give a shit even if a cop ever ventured
downtown long enough to enforce
the law.
He lights up a fag. Offers one to Angel.
The dark-haired vampire doesn't
break his stride and borrows Spike's old
Zippo. Drops it back in the
blonde's coat pocket without a word or a
glance.
Spike has grown accustomed
to the quiet and the company of his own
voice. He never minded talking
to himself, so why would it be different
now? Twenty years of silence
haven't driven him away from his Sire. And
it's not really that Angel never
acknowledges his presence (it's kind of a
prerequisite, at least when they
fuck), or that he never talks anymore or
asks Spike for his opinion about
one thing or another - it's that when he
talks, he isn't really saying
anything.
The souled bastard was never
the life of the party, but for the last
couple of decades he's toned
it down to three basic modes - indifferent,
horny and angry. That last one
is reserved for demon fighting. Horniness
is devoted to Spike on a good
day. Indifference pretty much defines all
the moments in between.
Spike and Angel share eighty-three rooms at the Hyperion.
Lots of space to misplace each other in.
Spike is always the one who
does the seeking. But then it makes
sense. Animals are the most social.
Humans are social too.
Angel's neither, or so it seems.
It's like living with a tall-dark-and handsome-shaped void.
But there's flesh.
There are grunts in the dark,
sweat, fangs in his neck, sometimes even his
name on parted lips - and yes,
yes, that's what matters most of all,
someone who remembers his name.
There are memories.
There's always been memories.
He's clung to some, discarded many
others. Entrenched in time, have
beens, intervals, eras,
cycles. Seasons. Lots of names
- William the Bloody, Will, Spike. Lots of
befores and afters - Turning,
Curse, Sunnydale, Apocalypse.
Only Angel is timeless.
Hatred and the meaning of
souls seem like petty obstacles when you're the
only ones left.
Vampires need lairs. And packs.
Sires don't hurt either. Good fucks,
preferably at regular intervals.
The hunt and the kill. Spike doesn't have
to worry about ordering minions
around, and Angel doesn't seem very
interested in lording over him.
Spike has the endless stash of whiskey and
Angel the basement. Spike hunts
between Hollywood and Fairfax, Angel north
of Montebello, and never the
twain shall meet. It's a pretty good
arrangement.
And when Spike smells human
blood on his Sire's clothes, tastes it on the
tip of his fangs, he keeps his
wise mouth shut.
And when they shag in a dozen
different rooms, it's always dark so Spike
doesn't have to look into Angel's
hollow eyes and Angel doesn't have to be
faced with the fact that he's
fucking anybody at all.
Spike breathes. The air is
sluggish, smells like exhaust and tastes like
grease. (Anti-Pollution Act
my arse.) Still he keeps up the
pretense. Clinging to the thin
veneer of mortality placates the humans and
makes the kill easier. Angel
can't be bothered anymore, and when they
fuck, there's eerie silence tumbling
from one side of the bed.
Angel hasn't breathed since
the Slayer died - except maybe to smoke and
speak.
The Apocalypse came and went,
Angel's pulse didn't miraculously start to
beat - probably because there
wasn't a heart left to make the blood flow.
Flash of blond curls on the
sidewalk. The girl brushes passed them at
reckless speed, shiny rollers
glinting in the artificial light of the
lampposts.
Angel doesn't look up. Spike grinds his teeth.
The last time Angel saw Buffy,
there were tiny pieces of bone and chunks
of brain matter caught in the
golden mane. Blood pooled around her,
painting the ground dark and
the vampire crimson. There wasn't enough
consciousness left for a last
goodbye. Just wide, startled hazel eyes and
limbs sprawled at unnatural angles.
Angel was sitting, holding
the mangled hand of the Slayer, dead eyes
roaming, a bit confused, from
the desecrated corpse of the Watcher, the
entwined, rigid bodies of the
witches, the wreckage of broken bones and
torn flesh - unidentifiable remains
of Wesley Wyndham-Price and Cordelia
Chase.
Those were the ones he could see without having to move.
So Angel lay down, cheek resting
against Buffy's thigh, relishing the
last of her warmth, and stared
at the night sky. Waited for the gaping
wound in his stomach to finish
the job, for stolen blood to go back to the
Earth, leaving only the tiny
pinprick of final death behind.
A few yards away, Spike was staggering to his feet relatively unscathed.
He waited for the ground to
stand still and cast a look over the
battlefield.
Found himself alone.
sole survivor
And felt the urge to cackle insanely.
Saw his Sire invite death
with a smile and strolled over to the dying
vampire. Dragged Angel away from
the Slayer, ripped his wrist open with
his own fangs and pushed the
wound against Angel's mouth.
He had expected no thanks
and didn't get any. Not when he pulled Angel to
safety as the sun threatened
to rise. Not when they stood by the giant
funeral pyre and watched the
flames consume flesh until ashes and bones
remained. Not when he followed
Angel back to L.A., not when he moved into
the Hyperion, and not when Angel
pinned him to the wall that first night
then proceeded to fuck him into
the floor with cold determination.
last men fucking
Humans say that the first
instinct after being reminded of their mortality
is to embrace and create life.
Angel's instinct had been
to remind himself that he was dead and deserved
to stay that way.
Spike's had been to insure that he wouldn't be left behind.
Angel pauses long enough to crush the stub of his cigarette.
Spike holds in a sigh.
Most of the time, being with Angel feels very much like being left behind.
There's a short queue at the
entrance of Caritas, but the crowd parts to
let the vampires through. Spike
tries to ignore the fact that the patrons
are more scared of his Sire than
they are of him.
When Angel walks, he looks
a little like the wrath of God clad in dark and
expensive textures. When he
stands still, he looks like Cerberus crouching
at the Gates.
The bar's crowded. Some purple
demon is torturing Frank Sinatra on
stage. Lots of really old blokes
in here, lots of really old songs. To
think that Sid Vicious is now
considered a classic.
Spike's gaze seeks out the
handful of humans scattered around the
place. The Host maintains a
strict no blood-games policy, but the vampire
has other appetites. He hungers
for lovers who thrash under him, moan and
pant, lovers who bloody make
a *sound* and give half a fuck about the fact
that he's shagging them.
Angel stalks to the bar.
Spike follows.
**
Angel leans against the hardwood
of the bar and watches Spike. Watches him
sip beer, watches him scan the
crowd, watches him breathe. Watches him fit
in. Knows what he's looking for,
doesn't bother to comment or to
assist. Spike will find it on
his own, he always does.
Usually tall and brunette,
gender doesn't seem to matter. Made the mistake
of bringing a blond home... once.
It's the game and it's familiar.
The new way to gauge continuance. Angel
doesn't keep track of the days
or the months, but he knows it's mid-week
when Spike starts to get edgy
for company in the bed. He never asks what
Spike gets out of the arrangement,
doesn't really care. Angel gets a sack
of warm blood and bone, and
the chance to inhale something other than
dust. Sometimes, it feels just
good enough that he keeps his fangs
sheathed in the dark, and plays
the part. Most times, it feels just good
enough that he has to let the
fangs out. The scent of seasons and rain,
fast food and sunshine piss him
off, and Spike is left to pick up the
pieces. Oh, he doesn't kill them.
No one dies in the Hyperion. A lot of
folks probably need years of
therapy after a late night visit
though. Angel occasionally wonders
what the fuck they would tell a shrink
anyway. So many things have changed
in twenty years, but the simple truths
of human stupidity and mortal
egotism endure. No one believes in monsters
anymore than they did Before.
Before. That's how it is filed in Angel's brain. Before. And Now.
Before was Cordelia's hair
products in his bathroom and Wesley's hairs in
his sink. Before was leather
and battle axes, point, purpose and
pride. Now is knowing that Apocalypse
is all relative.
Spike is stalking a tall brunette
at the end of the bar. Gray hairs at the
temples, and that's different.
Inside, though, they're all the same.
He's seen their insides, and
so he knows this much is true. Oz was a
werewolf, Anya some sort of
ancient demon, Buffy and Faith the
Slayers.. but their blood all
ran the same color of red into the Earth,
and they all stank like death
in the end.
(...Now is memories of Giles'
fingers futily reaching across the chasm of
scalded dirt and flesh to find
Buffy's hand. Angel remembers breaking
those fingers once. But that
was Before.)
Spike is talking to the man;
making grand gestures with his hands, wearing
his most charming angelic face,
and Angel is relieved. All that
chatter; maybe Spike will be
purged of it before they make their way back
to the hotel. In the last twenty
years the only important thing the blond has
ever said to him was "duck".
("...not one word about it,
boy," Fangs covered with the first human
blood he'd spilt this way in
two hundred years. Angel a menacing
temple-gargoyle, the body crumpled
at his feet.
"Who, me? Not gonna say a
thing, soul-boy." Spike lit up a cigarette, and
in the orange cast, recognized
the dead man.
Local muscle, nasty reputation.
"She's dead. She died to save
the world, and scum like this is still
walking." Angel buttoned his
coat.
"Actually, he ain't walking anymore. And that ain't why you killed him."
"Fuck you, Spike. What do you know about it?"
"I know you didn't kill him
'cause he was scum. I know you didn't kill him
to martyr the Slayer. You wanna
kill humans again, Peaches, be my fucking
guest. But please, no more Christian
soundin' bullshit about someone dyin'
to save the planet and you just
bein' a minion o' god, all right? I'm not
that bloody stupid." )
Yea, Spike's a fucking poet all right.
The human seems impressed.
Back rigid, hasn't moved since Spike sat down
beside him.
Everyone in this bar is either
a demon, or living on society's
fringes. With the exception of
shorn, shocking yellow locks, Spike's
appearance cannot be dated. Clothing
in jeweled colors and dark tones, all
classic material and simple lines.
To the occupants of Caritas, Spike is
no more threatening than the
bartender.
Angel's manner of dress is
similar. His hair is short, there's a few days'
stubble on his chin and upper
lip.
No one ever approaches Angel.
Third glass of O negative,
and he is bored. If he has to listen to one
more goddamn classic mangled
by something with four eyelids and no teeth
he's going to smash the Karaoke
machine. Small blessing, the Host hasn't
said word one to him in fifteen
years. Stopped trying to "save" him that
long ago. Stopped looking in
his direction soon thereafter.
It's too fucking loud in here
and he just wants to go home, go to bed,
and... whatever. Another glisten
of relief when Spike grabs the man by the
elbow, and leads him toward his
Sire.
Then Angel sees the face.
He just assumed... (Dawn was
killed instantly when Glory threw her into
the brick wall. Her neck ruptured
neatly in two, and Angel heard the
sickening c-run-ch... over the
wail of Buffy, and the shout of Giles to
get back... get back...
Godsend that Joyce had already
died. Didn't have to see the wreckage
left. Didn't have to hear them
calling out for her.
The rest of them not nearly
as lucky. Tara and Willow burned alive, Oz
gutted like... and Buffy... with
her fucking superhero powers that kept
her alive while her brain leaked
out her ears into the dirt and all over
Angel's hands. No heartbeats,
he hadn't heard any heartbeats in what
remained of the ruined warehouse...
And surely, afterward, watching the
flames shoot into the night sky...
He could see them for miles, miles
while Spike drove south to LA,
with him still screaming and cursing until
Spike hit him hard enough to...
)
But he'd never
actually seen the boy, dead, had he?
He'd just assumed. No one could have survived that holocaust.
Looks into dark eyes ringed by blue circles underneath.
"Angel," and the voice is
familiar, but much too deep, richer somehow. Not
right.
Swallows, and sees Spike watching
him. Watching so closely, while he
swallows again. Breathes in.
"Xander. Xander Harris."
There's a dirty table in front
of them, more blood, and beer. Spike still
peering at him around it all,
straddling the chair beside him. Angel wraps
his fist hard around the glass
and keeps his voice steady. "Is
anyone--anyone else-"
"No."
Angel just nods.
"So, Deadboy, how come you're *not*?"
The growl in his chest rumbles
before Spike cuts in. "We might ask you the
same question, eh? We got that
whole immortal thing goin' for us. How
the fuck you get out of the
Dale in one piece?"
The aging man with Xander's
eyes shrugs carelessly, lifts his shirt
sleeves. "I didn't."
Angel's gaze traces line after
line of scars across wrists and
forearms. White and silver webbing
that tattoos shoulders, chest, and now,
he can see it, across the neck.
"I broke just about every
bone in my body.
Punctured both lungs.
Had some non-essential organs removed. Irrevocably damaged
my windpipe. Major head trauma. Spent eight months in a coma,
a year in a Rehab Hospital and two more after that in
Physical Therapy. You'd be surprised
to learn how damn talented the
therapists around the Hellmouth
are. Must be all that practice."
Talented maybe, but no gods.
The fingers of the man's left hand remain
curled slightly, the left side
of his face doesn't quite match the
right. His spine is straight,
even when he leans forward. And the
prominent scar that cuts his
right brow in half resembles Spike's.
"So, what're you doin' in LA?" Spike asks him.
Another shrug and Xander buttons
up his shirt. "Seems as good a place as
any. Spent some time just about
everywhere else already. Disability checks
find me, doesn't really matter
where I go. Did two years on an Indian
reservation somewhere in the
Dakotas. Two in the state prison just before
that..."
Spike laughs, a hard, amused little sound. "What the fuck for?"
"Arson. Burned down what was left of Sunnydale."
"What was left? What *was*
left?" Spike asks with the smallest of
grins. White foam coats his
upper lip, and he licks it away. Flash of
metal in the half-light, the
small gold ball in the center of Spike's
tongue.
"Not much. A couple of government buildings. Guess that pissed 'em off."
"I see."
"So," Xander leans toward
the vampires, and Angel smells years of alcohol
on his breath, and the faint
scent of dis-ease on his skin. "What are you
two still doing in L.A.?"
Angel leans back, lifts one
shoulder slightly and blinks. Watches as
Spike moves imperceptibly closer
to the man. Watches Xander unconsciously
shift a pace or two back. And
Before and Now collide with enough force
that Angel can almost hear the
suck of air displaced.
(Merle told Angel just last
week that another Slayer was called. He
thinks that makes the sixth,
since. Bands play on. All relative.)
The chair underneath him is suddenly too hard.
More banter, more beer. A
lot more beer. Some whiskey. Shards of
conversation carved in sharp
relief around Angel's stillness, against the
smooth backdrop of bar noise,
female singers and laughter. Every once in a
while Spike laughs, and his
eyes are almost alive.
Xander's aren't.
There's a faint scent to the
man, almost like a sickness. It's bitter and
lingering... Angel is reminded
of the poison Faith shot him with decades
back. How the odor alone made
him want to vomit...
(Faith had searched for Angel's
gaze over the chaos, but he was too far
away. So she dove gracefully
between Glory and Buffy, and the goddess
grabbed her by the throat with
one hand... By the time Angel made it to
her side, Glory had gone through
both Slayers.)
Sometimes, he can see Faith's eyes. They are never alive.
Spike's voice with all the
edges rounded off; quarry mode, Angel
recognizes it. Xander's voice
raw and harsh; damaged vocal chords, a full
bottle of whiskey, and the festering
anger Angel can smell oozing from
every shiny scar. Molotov cocktail;
righteous indictment and survivor
guilt. And the vampire wants
to laugh... //Guess what Xander, in my
fantasies, it ain't ever you
that's still living either...//
"Xander, I have something for you."
Sees the start on Xander's
face, realizes it's not what he said, but that
he said anything at all. Realizes
two hours have passed.
"Okay..."
"You have to come back to the Hyperion. It's there."
Xander makes a show of checking
his watch. "No, can't do it,
Deadboy. Maybe some other never."
"It's from Cordelia."
Spike ducks his head and grins.
**
Xander only realized he was
drunk when he nearly fell on Spike leaving the
bar. Only gave the keys over
to Angel when he realized that drunk still
came with nauseous. He hasn't
gotten this drunk in too many years to
recall. Not because he doesn't
drink, actually. Mainly because he does. A
lot. As a result, getting well
and truly pissed requires hard discipline
and more money than he usually
has in both pockets.
Every once in a while, he
swears it off. Typically when he's heaving his
guts up, although out his own
car window is a new experience. When he's
sober, he can tell real from
dream. Problem is, that's not always a kind
differentiation.
Willow calls him every morning.
She used to cry and tell him she was
sorry. She doesn't cry now. Now
she tells him all about her daughter, and
how she thinks she's going to
be Pre-Med. About the latest artsy-fartsy
award Tara won. Asks him if
he's going to make it to the Labor Day picnic
this year, cause she *misses*
him, you know? She really misses him. And he
tells her that he misses her
too, and promises her that he'll try. But he
knows work will keep him away
again; this is the boom season for
contracting, and... well, it's
not like they don't have next year. There's
always next year. Then Anya is
hollering at him to get off the phone, it's
time to go... time to go.
He doesn't cry. He hasn't
cried for Willow in almost 19 years. Hasn't
cried for anyone.
And it occurs to him suddenly
that maybe this is all part of that Living
Willow dream. Maybe the vinyl
under his cheek and the blue-gray smoke
swirling around his eyes and
the whoosh of air past his sweaty face is all
his subconscious tainted by
beer and expensive Irish hooch. Just part of
the dream. The clipped accented
speech and the silence which is its only
reply. The buzz in his belly
that comes from being so near to vampires
which he hasn't felt in twenty
years. Hellmouth education. One learns
where to go to avoid the undead.
They didn't seem to like Montana, so he
hung out there for almost five.
Now he's in a car with two
of them, and it occurs that he never trusted
either one when he was younger,
stronger, sober-er. And that he doesn't
carry stakes in his pockets anymore.
And that he doesn't much care.
The Hyperion is a huge, pretentious
monstrosity. Which is kind of how he
always thought of Angel. The
thought makes him smirk, which makes him
nauseous again. He promptly throws
up on the front steps of the
hotel. Spike holds the heavy
wooden doors open for him, and Angel just
keeps on walking.
He stumbles inside, wiping
a corner of his mouth on his sleeve. The lobby
is shuttered, it's haunting crypts
all over again, patrolling cemeteries,
the exhilaration of the hunt
- although he often felt like the prey, even
being the one with the stake.
This time around there won't be any surprise
attacks from the bushes, because
the quarry is right there in front of
him. Not hiding.
Presenting him with a white envelope held in a steady hand.
Xander almost steps back,
liquid ice painting his insides, but he is
compelled... compelled... and
he accepts the envelope. Takes it gently from
Angel's fingers.
It's like signing a pact with the Devil.
You can't see the harm yet,
but that's because you're too near-sighted
and drunk to make out
the fine print at the bottom.
He blinks slowly, until the
three missives in his hands resolve into
one. The pads of his fingers
travel the mounds and crevices of thick white
paper. They tell him of black
curls, small closets, big dark eyes and the
widest smile he's ever known.
Alcohol dulls shock and fear.
He flips the letter around,
can't bear to stare at his name sprawled in
loopy curves over the front.
The seal is intact. He expected it to
be. He's the first to think the
worst of Angel, yet he isn't surprised to
find the envelope pristine white.
Angel has kept it safe - the rarest of
relics - even though he must
have believed neither sender nor sendee would
ever reclaim it.
Angel loved her too.
The starch blade of understanding slices something inside his gut.
He doesn't like to think of
the way he was always, in one fashion or
another, tied to this vampire,
this goddamn fucking leech, because that's
what love and friendship do
- they bind you to other people, their
friends, and the friends of
their friends.
Sometimes, they tie you to your enemy.
Cordelia called Angel a friend.
She says so in the letter;
the paper shakes so bad, the words float like
psychedelic butterflies.
She talks about growing up,
about forgiveness, about clinging to the
beautiful memories, not the
ugly ones. She calls him a doof a couple of
times. Goes off on little tangents
about life in the office and how Angel
doesn't pay her enough... all
the while she knows how the letter will
end. Because there's only one
reason she's writing this, and all the jokes
in the world won't soften the
blow.
She doesn't really talk about
goodbyes. He pictures her shrug and a little
smile. It's just the way the
cookie crumbles, the show must go on,
etc. Cordy always loved to mix
her clichés. He looks for dry, tear-shaped
indentations in the paper, but
he doesn't find any. There's only small
drops of ink. She borrowed Angel's
old-fashioned letterhead and fountain
pen, because she wants to go
out in style, but ink is leaking all over her
very expensive manicure. Damn
thing must be broken, it can't possibly be
because she has no clue how
to hold the pen.
She says Xander always held
a special place in her heart, and as she
writes this, he still does. So
chances are he was still in there somewhere
when her heart stopped beating.
It hurts to look away from
the letter. To not crumble the envelope in his
fist.
It hurts to cry for the first
time in 19 years. Ancient water through
rusted pipes.
He presses letter and envelop
to his heart, and imagines that he can smell
her perfume. Something ridiculously
expensive and French (she would make
fun of him when he tried to
read the label with a broken accent... the
language of looooove...)
He hasn't forgotten the vampires.
It's just harder to see them through the
tears. Angel hasn't moved, his
expression hasn't shifted or even
altered. Spike is sprawled in
a dusty loveseat and is clutching a beer
bottle.
They are staring at him.
There is... hunger.
Curiosity. He's as much a new specimen as a blast from the past to them.
Angel stands languidly, which
Xander knows from experience is just a
skilled mask - there's nothing
relaxed about the impossibly huge
vampire. Was he always that tall,
always that hulking? Maybe it's the
alcohol.
Maybe Jupiter's aligned with
the moon. Maybe it's that time of the
month. Maybe he's losing the
last bare threads, which hold his mind
together.
Maybe he's jealous.
Of Angel. And that makes him
mad. Because he doesn't think Angel should
have any power left over him,
after all these years. But the letter
brought it all back. Angel's
paper, Angel's pen, Angel standing by without
prying, ready to help, to show
her how to use the ancient instrument.
Angel who had been with her forever until she died.
Angel she had called for in the end.
He clings to the letter. Wipes
off the tears with the back of his hand and
a tired sigh. Each year, it
takes a little more energy to be angry. To
feel anything at all. Sometimes...
not often... but sometimes, he chooses
a scar, always at random, always
a different one, and takes knife to
flesh, never too deep, but he
needs the wound... needs to watch himself
bleed.
He needs it now, when he is
open and raw from the letter and the memory of
Cordelia, that very last imprint
burned into his mind's eye (a blast of
Glory-fire-ball-thingie, Wesley
jumping in the way with a stupidly heroic
cry, Angel's name on a wail,
but too late, much too late, and then a flash
of something unrecognizable,
and it is them, what is left of them, and he
knows madness.)
Drops of blood to mix with
the drops of ink. An easy pattern of pain,
past, future and other things
which make no sense.
He can't remain frozen here
much longer. He might never move again, and he
doesn't figure Angel would take
kindly to a permanent Xander-shaped
fixture in his lobby.
He doesn't realize how much
it hurts to breathe, until there's a hand on
his shoulder and starved lungs
beg for oxygen.
Angel still stands in front
of him, shoulders slightly hunched,
unfathomable and so cold.
They've never had more in
common than they do now. Xander wonders if Angel
bleeds himself too. Then feels
the lithe vampire standing at his back.
Yes, Angel bleeds. Except he's not so prosaic as to use a knife.
That's what Spike's fangs are for.
And it will do. It will do just fine. For now.
He feels ready. To collect
new scars. And he can't deny himself the
pathetic comfort of all things
known and familiar. You never miss home so
much until you get a glimpse
of the front gates, and it's all wrapped up
in there - in Angel and Spike,
but mostly in Angel. The vampire touched
them all. He carries a small
silver cross for luck, a love of old, dusty
volumes full of knowledge, the
smell of herbs and rituals, the musk of the
wolf, British stuffiness and
an unhealthy devotion to high-heeled shoes.
Residue of alcohol or the
lucid unreality of a twenty-year trip into the
past, but he doesn't remember
Spike guiding him up the flight of
stairs. He just knows that Angel
is still there, he feels that hulking
shadow following him - to the
second floor, and then, there's a bedroom.
It's mostly dark. Tiny shards
of neon light sneaking in through a back
window.
There's a bed.
"Bathroom?" Xander asks, and
Angel points in the general direction of more
darkness. Xander stumbles into
the tidy, tiled room. Flips on a light. He
starts to laugh at the absurdity
of the huge mirror over the sink, until
he sees himself reflected in
it. What a blessed relief it must be for them
not to have to do that every
goddamn day. Another good reason to hate
them, if he needed one more.
He finds a toothbrush, toothpaste,
and clean, white towels. And he's just
sober enough to wonder about
vampires who actually have these things in
their bathrooms, but apparently,
not quite sober enough to make the leap
in judgement and just *leave*.
When he exits the bathroom,
minty fresh and tear-track free, Angel is
nowhere to be seen.
The blankets to the bed are
turned down. Spike is sprawled on top of them,
two beer bottles in one hand,
and boots off. Xander eyes the large, soft
mattress, feathered quilt and
pile of dark pillows. The bleached vampire
in startling contrast to the
offer of rest and //home// which he hasn't
been able to conjure in nearly
two decades. Leave it to Angel to fuse his
own love of creature comforts
with self-flagellation.
Xander is just so. fucking.
tired. If there are crosses to bear wrapped up
inside this overture of cold
beer and clean sheets and a night's rest from
dreaming, then he will abide
the nails in the morning. Maybe he will even
enjoy them.
He sinks into down and cotton,
closes his eyes, and finishes the Guinness
in three sips. Watches the obvious
amusement play across pale features
when he is through. Startling
blue eyes hold his, as Spike drinks down the
last of his own beer, and leans
over Xander to the nightstand.
One cool, bare arm and one
still heartbeat draped across Xander's chest,
and the soft clink of glass meeting
wood. "What are ya doin' here,
pet?" Sweet breath and the tip
of Spike's nose on his left cheek. Xander
wonders if Spike feels this cool
and sharp to Angel, like some divine
instrument of pain.
He grabs the back of the vampire's
head, and tugs, until those eyes find
his again. Wide. Amused. "Here
is as good a place as any," he says slowly.
The small lines in the corners
of Spike's eyes vanish as he nods his
wordless understanding.
When the kiss comes Xander's
mouth is chilled from the beer, and he
doesn't even notice how cold
the lips are on his own.
That same mouth over chin
and cheek, and it only finally feels cold when
it brushes against the smooth
hairs of his chest. But Spike's tongue has
found the path of silver scars,
and that is reason enough for the shudder
which wracks Xander's form. There
is an expression strangely akin to
rapture on the vampire's face,
as he traces line upon line of misshapen
flesh with the tip of one finger.
The scar on Xander's shoulder,
looping around
almost to his back,
and running alongside his carotid. From where the support beam fell on his head
and gave him a nine month trip to the land of never-never.
The scar on his belly, from Glory's own fingertips
touched by a god, should have felt a damn sight better than this.
The scar on his
eyebrow from falling down and down and down and landing on a
pile of stones and shards of
glass, face first. They patched him back
together pretty well, actually.
Considering. And the scar just above his
heart, from where Willow accidentally
stabbed him with scissors when they
were ten, and playing pirates.
Spike brushes them all with an open,
reverent palm and an expression
of curious wonderment in the gold eyes.
How fitting, isn't it... Not
just the Willow scar over his heart; no, he
has debated that pathetic metaphor
ad nauseum ever since puberty. But that
Spike can't tell the marks apart.
That no one can.
The wounds he received in
life and the ones he bore near death are
interchangeable. A testament
to continuity. Maybe a sign that this
foolish, stolen moment will amount
to something greater than temporary
respite.
Maybe, knives and fingers and razors and tongues are really all the same.
And maybe... with Spike's
fangs buried in his neck, Xander can finally
bury the dead.
The vampire is kissing him
again, open mouth over his chest, small, gold
metal ball brushing against his
nipples. Xander arches, inches between the
mattress and his back, which
Spike spans easily with long, determined
fingers. Spike is lean, and
hard, impassioned. Every moan and gasp from
Xander brings a fiercer caress,
a longer lick of flat, wet tongue. Nothing
at all like making love with
a woman //Anya Cordelia Willow// and for that
Xander is almost grateful. Spike
takes what he wants of Xander, and Xander
lets him. In return, he gets
to lay back and be stripped by steady, determined hands.
Lay still and be covered by
lingering, half-worshipful kisses. Lay his head
on the softest of pillows, feel
his face turned to the side just... so...
and be drained.
Of thought, and fear, and memory.
Drowsy pleasures and lazy
fires in his gut, a taut form above him, naked
hips grinding against his groin.
Smell of his own blood in the air, thin
rivulets on the once-pristine
sheets. Opens heavy eyes to the vampire
hovering over him; wet, red
lips, arms corded and stretched tight to
accommodate his weight as he
presses down... Xander reaches up, grabs that
weight against him, crushes it
into his skin, and his bones and his
scars. Rubs and rocks and moans.
Closes his eyes, and surrenders to rythym
and impermanence. Hears Spike
breathing, harsh, jagged, by his ear. Just
the smallest amount of sweat
at the base of the vampire's spine. Xander
gathers the drops on his fingertips,
drags them up, over the bumps and
valleys of the long, white back.
Digs his fingers into the vampire's
scalp, and raises his hips.
Drags a moan from his chest, offers it up to the altar of continuance.
Somewhere he remembers it.
He can put pictures to it, if not words. Soft
hair in sunshine and feet pajamas.
The vampire's muffled cry
against the hollow of his shoulder, punishing
hands pin Xander's wrists to
the bed. He opens his eyes....
Prom dresses and Leggos
Sees Angel draped across a
large leather chair beneath the window. Shirt
off, long legs covered only in
gray shadow. Two half-finished cigarettes
beside him on the small table,
wispy halos of white and blue smoke around
ruffled hair. Sculpture of a
lifeless god, baptized by moonlight. Watching
with unfathomable eyes and no
upturn of his red, red mouth.
Iloveyouforevers and pancake
syrup in the big plastic jar that looks
like a fat old lady
Xander struggles, digs his
heels into the vampire's calves, presses cock
to cock once, twice more. He
groans, and shifts his gaze away from Angel.
His tears are a foreign and
unbidden aside to his orgasm, his shout is roughened by the
riot of salt in his throat.
.. safety and hearth and home and ..
And so he turns his head again
to the side, and he offers his neck to the
vampire. Because this, this was
none of those things. But in bloodless
sleep, there is at least the
comfort of Nothing-at-all.
**
He awakens much later to a heaviness
in his chest, something *sitting* on
his heart, and the choking throb
of fear mingled with grief. No way to
judge the passage of time in
this room; heavy velvet drapes and no modern
conveniences such as alarms or
radios. It is so dark, in fact, that Xander
is not even wholly aware that
the familiar ache he rises to every morning
has now materialized into flesh.
Until there is a flash of
car headlights between the slats in the blinds,
and he sees it...him. Angel,
kneeling over him, eyes the color of noontime
sun and mouth half open. Rocking
on his haunches, hands resting
not-so-gently on Xander's breastbone.
Angel. And only Angel could have
that *look* while wearing the
face of a demon, only Angel could be the
fucking physical embodiment of
sorrow and loss and pain while deadly fangs
tear into his own bottom lip
and he sniffs at the air around Xander's head
like a wild dog.
Breathing and panting and
breathing him... in. Xander lays still while the
tiger paws at his chest, because
it is the smart thing to do, and because
suddenly, he understands. He
closes his eyes while Angel's nose presses
into his hair, his face, nuzzles
the softest places on his neck and
chest. And Xander wonders what
he smells like. Does he still carry
them? Incense and white sage,
hemp and cannibus, grave soil and sweet,
sweet sunlight. Will Angel find
them on his skin? In his pores, in his
cells?
The vampire *burrows* into
him, snuffling across the long blue vein where
Spike has fed, but making no
move to rend the flesh. He drinks without
teeth, and Xander hopes it is
enough. Hopes that what remains on him, of
him, is still something of those
that he loved.
Angel purrs, a rough aria
to plunder the silence. Muscles flex and strain,
lips part and glisten in borrowed
light. Ridges smooth out before Xander's
mortal eyes, and he cannot help
the little sigh, the release of
tension. Relief as old as humanity
itself.
Mortals would rather behold the mask than the beast.
There is a question and the
luxury of choice in Angel's hunched shoulders,
downturned mouth and tragic eyes.
The vampire lifts a gentle hand to
Xander's cheekbone, slow and
obvious, but Xander doesn't flinch, or scream
or squirm away.
He twists his head to the
side, unconsciously offering his throat, looking
for Spike. He finds nothing but
more shadows. Angel can watch, but the
reverse isn't true. Maybe...
maybe this is too much intimacy - not Spike
doing what vampires do, fucking
and drinking, but Angel roaming human
skin, chasing disheartened dreams
of suburban life and golden ages.
Angel takes the bared throat
as preemptive absolution, a quiescent
invitation. His fingers course
Xander's damaged features like Braille, a
parchment telling of friends
not forgotten and enemies long gone. Tongue
sneaks out to bathe the bumps
of a badly-mended collarbone and Angel sheds
his remaining clothing the way
Xander wishes he could shed years.
Scar-ravaged skin longs for
the sweet whispers of flawless alabaster
flesh. Lips which loved Buffy,
arms which carried Willow away from harm
and deadly fumes, hands which
broke Giles' fingers... right and wrong,
good and bad, black and white
fade under the threat of nothingness. So
bitterly sweet, that an union
which the past should condemn to failure and
impossibility holds the key
to remembrance, for both of them. Small
worships, pagan offerings of
sweat and seed.
The chill - Angel's cold passion
- descends over Xander like a distant
fog, and if there isn't tenderness,
there is mindfulness. Not an inch is
neglected or cursorily attended,
and Xander hasn't known such devotion
since the sweetness of Willow,
the worldliness of Cordelia and Anya's
eagerness. A symphony of color,
copper, black and chestnut curls; and of
course golden blond, always there.
Ghost of Buffy in the background. Does
she mind sharing? And what would
Cordelia do, if she found them here, in
the dark, commiserating loss
over naked flesh - besides grunt in tactless,
exaggerated disgust?
Xander squirms under Angel's
sharp licks - hinges of memory and shards of
intimate knowledge.
A guild.
A secret society of two.
They fit easily, curves to
curves, none of Spike's harsh angles. Angel
straddles Xander's hips and
the weight is comfortable. Real. Almost
feverish, skin impossibly soft.
Xander has never equated softness
with Angel - or another male body. Older
recollections of paternal hands
too often curled into fists. Now Angel's
chest is like velvet against
his own, and Angel's purr is like a lullaby
close to his ear. Lids fluttering,
darkness and shadows, broad, round,
white shoulders, known by touch
rather than sight. Solidness. Wide back,
which doesn't give under Xander's
clawing fingers, strong thighs that
won't let go.
Less for the ghosts, more
for him. No need to explain the scars, no need
to worry about his partner's
pleasure. Angel asks for nothing, expects
nothing, no demands, just weight
and meat, and growls for a lover who
won't scream or break down when
the demon howls. Warmth.
Xander clamps blunt teeth
deep in Angel's biceps, pushes his tongue flat
against the unbroken flesh. The
vampire grunts and grabs Xander's hair,
wrenching Xander's face away
from his arm. Pale lips hover next to his
own.
Xander doesn't strain upward to close the distance.
Angel holds still.
Inches between their thin
mouths, more room for the specters mourning over
their shoulders.
Angel coaxes Xander on his
stomach in a rasp of sheets and the moans of
the old mattress. Face pressed
against the pillows, extinguishing what
little light filters through
the blinds, muffling all sounds - it feels
like a cocoon, caught between
the hardness of the bed and the hardness of
Angel.
(Buffy's slight frame pressed
to Angel's hulking body, her tiny hands in
his strong ones and how did
he not crush her to nothing that first
night?)
Not a hair-breath of empty
space left for the phantoms, and there's relief
in absence, nothingness less
threatening now. It feels like clean ground,
new foundations tabula rasa
and however fleeting the remission, it's
good while it lasts.
Angel knows how to make it last.
He wraps an arm around Xander's
stomach, lifting him off the mattress just
enough to arouse neglected nipples.
Xander's hardness swells, crushed by
the weight of his own body, but
the ache is comfortable, and he doesn't
try to ease it. Muscles knot
and tighten pleasantly in his groin. He
breathes out little puffs of
air into the pillow.
Angel's free arm winds around
his throat, but there is no dread, just eyes
closed, because he refuses to
open them. Stare into the faces of his
ghosts, again. This time is
for him... just a few blessed
minutes... of indulgence
and release long forgotten please, I beg
you.
Wild growls and moans, Xander
forced on his knees, but no fear, yet no
fear... He likes that he cannot
look into Angel's eyes, he likes that
about fucking a man, likes it
and despises it too.
The vampire takes the time
to prepare him, but Xander does not care one
way or another. Then good pain,
and blood again, dripping not from his
jugular; intrusion, unrelenting
girth stretching him. He whimpers, cheeks
wet, drives himself backward
with a small shout.
A sob.
His chest hurts. He's the one crying.
The tears are few and shameless.
His body did not remember pleasure. Did
not remember fullness. Until
now.
Thrusts taking him off the
bed, lithe fingers flattened against his
stomach, jerking him off, playing
with his nipples, invading his mouth,
restless, bruising, hungry, manic.
Pressure builds in his loins and
between his eyes. He clings to
one thick arm as he loses control, and
Angel lets him. Holds him tighter.
Until ribs groan and cave in pain.
The vampire forgot how to
hold a mortal's body a long time ago, and does
not care to remember now. Xander
finds himself smashed face-first against
the wall at the head of the
bed, palms flat above his head, crucified by
the sheer mass of Angel's body.
Weak, painful knees protest the workout.
And the vampire, relentless,
pounds into him until the foundations shake
and Xander's wail is heard all
the way down to Santa Monica.
Angel
Twin, needle-like fangs reshape the territory claimed by Spike.
More blood lost, more crimson memories draining out.
When he falls, there's no one to catch him.
Light dims. Angel is gone
again.
**
"So, you're asking what? For
my *permission*?" Angel's voice from another
room, soft echoes of amber honey
and bloodletting in the sex-roughened
tones.
Rising, unsteady on half-empty
veins. Following the exchange like a tether
to reality, to the light spilling
from the bathroom.
"I'm telling you what I want.
On the rare chance that you give a flying
fuck." Xander can hear the peculiar
pattern of intake and release of
breath, recognizes the sounds
of a vampire smoking. The mind clings to
such peculiar recollections.
"You're telling me." Carving
knives and cold, cold fingers along the base
of Xander's spine. More uninvited
memories; the cadence of anger and hate,
his parents raging in the bedroom
next to his. The sounds of fists in the
drywall. His legs ache.
"Yeah, I'm telling you. I'm
telling you that I want some goddamn
company. I'm telling you that
I want something that moves around for more
than a kill. Something that whimpers
and groans and bloody well *notices*
when I'm fucking them. Someone
that actually remembers what a conversation
is."
what are they...?
"Because you're a frigging poet, right, I forgot."
"Suck my dick, Angelus." (Invoke
the name, and shouldn't his heart skip a
beat now?) "You think I didn't
notice? You think I didn't *hear* you? You
haven't made sounds like that
in twenty years. Shit, you haven't made a
*sound* in twenty years. And
the way you looked at him in the bar ---"
"What the hell are you --oh...
I get it. This is some half-assed
jealousy. That it, Will? Afraid
of not being Daddy's favorite
anymore? Newsflash... I didn't
like the kid twenty years ago, and I don't
like him any more now. You should
know better than anyone... neither of us
have a problem fucking someone
we don't even claim to like."
The words sting for the briefest
of spells. (that worthless little
bastard... he is *your*
son... not mine... Paternal disdain always hurts
much worse than fists...)
He clamps down on the small
hysterical laugh that wants to bubble up. It's
too fucking ironic, that Angel
would remind him of his father now. His own
fault anyway, for allowing the
vampire's dead touch to feel like home.
"Then what's the problem then?
You did it once. You've been doin' it for a
hundred and forty-some years."
"The problem is that I have
no intention of making the same mistake
twice."
Wouldn't be the first time Xander was called a mistake.
"You know what, Angel. It's really no goddamn wonder you're always alone."
But it will be the last.
Home is not here.
Xander dresses in silence,
or what passes for it among mortals. He knows
full well they can hear him
anyway, but figures that if they have not
sought him out again by now,
they likely won't. He is in no condition to
wrap his mind around some fucked
up archetypal bitterness which has
transcended centuries, but he
is all too familiar with the warped ties of
kindred. He has no doubt such
will take precedence over one scarred and
exhausted remnant from their
past.
And that if they truly wanted
him dead //or worse// it would already be
so.
He folds the letter from Cordelia
carefully, and stuffs it into his
jacket. Spike's sarcasm is raw,
a bleeding wound Xander can
almost see. God knows he can
relate to its bright and stunning
violence.
"The only thing keeping you
going was that bullshit back in
Sunnydale, and now you're just
gonna let the last of it walk
out this fucking door...because
you're too stubborn, stupid
or what... *afraid* to let me
make it forever?"
Forever.
When was the last time Xander
contemplated forever?
The last time he gave thought
to anything past one hour from now,
one moment from now, what it
would take to get him through in one piece,
and where he will spend the
next cold or wet night. And if Spike or Angel
bit him, took him, turned him,
he could shed that grief and that fear like a paper
skin.
But he would shed Them too.
He would forget the way Willow bit her bottom
lip when she worked on math equations,
the way Buffy pushed her wheat
colored hair out of her eyes
with a whole fist, and the very first time
Giles looked at him with absolute
pride, and suddenly, he knew what Father
was.
He lives every day with crippling
physical pain, but it
has been twenty years since he
has felt so acutely aware of his own
frailties. His own mortality.
It has been twenty years since he has
been...grateful for it.
For the ache in his bones
that reminds him he is here. For the graying
at his temples that reminds him
that he will not always be.
He will die. And whether he
will see them all again, those he loves, or
whether he will simply rot and
be forgotten, doesn't really matter. One
way or the other, his grief is
finite. Because he is finite.
He will not live forever. But he will not suffer forever either.
He briefly wonders if they
would follow, tonight, tomorrow. If some night
in some strange city he will
turn around and stare into yellow eyes,
signifying that Angel has had
an ephiphany of sorts, and he wants
Xander to come Home. He takes
comfort in the fact that he is old, and
getting older, and soon, not
even the fires of immortality will be able to create
something pleasing to the eye
out of his wearied flesh. They would not suffer to
spend eternity with ugliness.
Xander thinks of heading back to Montana.
He can hear the vampires'
sharp voices carry through the marble and mortar
as he exits the hotel. He closes
the heavy doors and trades the sounds of
rage for the gentle spray of
rain on the sidewalk.
He takes his ghosts with him.
THE END.